Does anyone else get that sinking feeling when your child’s teacher crosses the playground in your general direction?? You hope they are going to turn left and head for the mother who has clearly not washed the P.E kit for two weeks or even better to the 15 year old who we all know is NOT little Sally’s sister!

But no, he heads for me and keeps coming with a smile that gives the whole game away. “I was hoping to have a little word...”

“Your son has been discussing the benefits of having a fat mum with the rest of the class today. He says you give good hugs and can identify any make of chocolate simply from the foil. Is this right??”

Oh bugger, I’ve been rumbled.  "Yes, yes it is, do you have a problem with that?” I reply...

“No, I was just wondering what you were doing on Friday night actually.”

I wish! So, why do we ‘larger’ parents stick out more in the playground? Is it because of the general ‘largeness’ of us?

No I argue, it I because we are so terrified of being humiliated by our kids in the school assault course that passes for 3.30pm that we will say yes to anything; sewing costumes, doing playground duty or accompanying a bunch of vomiting 6 year olds on the back of the bus to the panto every year. I can’t seem to pluck up the courage to mention to the teachers that they have missed several professional seamstresses’ and at least one army cadet.

Maybe I am still terrified of being made to do gym in my pants or turn out my tuck shop haul. Maybe I am just not as ‘loud’ as I always thought I was!

I can’t really admit to the teachers that I was hoping to get home to watch neighbours and eat some of this mornings home made bread. I also can't admit to the reason I arrived with the kids in the car this morning, even though I live about 3 minutes walk from the school, is because I still had my comfy tracksuit and thick socks on.

Not really a crime, I know, but when you are faced with the ‘yummy mummy’ brigade turning out in their brand new Discovery TDi and their clothes from Monsoon (not sale ones at that), it is a seriously underrated crime.

Or how about the current fashionable crime of doing a ‘bad lunch box’??

Oooh, now that’s a bad one. Punishable with at least 3 hours of children’s activities in a sports centre that only has fixed plastic seats that I don’t have a hope in hell of fitting in. Last week I packed two yoghurts and one protein bar, which was acceptable, but the chocolate covered raisins and crisps were out.

JamSam